For a very long time there was only one person in the world by whom I felt personally hurt. That was Matt Cutts. I had been using some tactics that were against Google's guidelines very effectively and Matt and his team eventually caught on. They were merciless. During my year or so of Google purgatory, I reflected a lot on this. Why was I not owning this? Why was I behaving like a child who gets upset when they are caught but a friend isn't, as if "until you catch everybody, you can't punish anybody"? And, most importantly, why was I funneling this specific feeling towards one man? The ludicrousness of it all caught me one night, right around the time Matt left Google, and I sent him a lengthy email (probably way too personal but it was more for me than him) explaining my coming to grips was what was clearly a personality flaw that needed a fix. I recognized that the harm I caused other people (clients, employees, family (through decreased wages)) were things I needed to own as part of the decisions I make as an adult and as an SEO, and though I might disagree with him on so many things, perhaps the worst way I could handle those disagreements is with anger and spite. His response was kind and thoughtful, not brushed aside.

I count this experience as one of the few transformative experiences I have had as an adult. Sure, it isn't quite up there with getting married or having kids, but in terms of moral growth, it was pretty big. I am a better person because of it.

I am so sorry for your loss Matt. I hurt for you. I pray for you.